When You Confide....
What happens when you finally say what you've been holding inside for years?
When you confide, when you speak it out loud… something lifts off you.
That heavy stone you carried on your heart.
That tightness you had in your throat.
It’s gone.
Without you even thinking or feeling that something was there before.
But suddenly, you feel relief.
In escorting, you learned to suppress yourself, your soul, your emotions, your body.
You buried everything under the rug so it wouldn’t hurt.
Because it does hurt. You aren’t a robot. You disconnected.
But it’s still there, somewhere inside you.
Even if you don’t perceive it.
It rots there and it hurts. It hurts you, it hurts your soul, it hurts your heart. One massive boulder. A trauma that lives inside you, though you don’t know about it or rather, you’d prefer if it didn’t exist and if everything could just close up without any consequences. You want to forget it all.
Because maybe you’re still in that carousel, and you have to keep going.
Keep going with the show of your alter ego and your lost self, now disguised as Mia, Jessica, or Aileen or whatever name you use with clients.
During your journey through escorting, you’ve experienced many things. Some better, some worse, some you wish had never happened. And those are the very things that hurt the most, the things that sleep deep inside you, but stay there, even if you don’t consciously notice them.
You have to be strong, right? You can hold on a little longer. After all, you have no choice; you don’t know what else you would do.
And so, the trauma you buried under the rug lives on somewhere.
But then, one day, a moment comes when you confide.
Maybe you’re sitting over coffee and didn’t even plan it. Maybe you just said: “I do escorting.” And then silence. And you wait. You wait for that look, for the judgment, for the disgust. And it doesn’t come.
You confide in someone you perhaps never even intended to tell. You burst into tears and suddenly feel something lift. Yes, you are crying out the pain that sleeps within you.
Your body needs to get these emotions out. It’s natural.
Don’t be afraid to confide; you are only human, too. You don’t have to “endure” anything. You aren’t a robot. You don’t have to fulfill the “orders” or “wishes” of clients just because it’s expected of you. Don’t hurt yourself anymore. There is a way out.
And don’t be afraid to speak up, it isn’t weakness. On the contrary, it takes immense courage and strength to tell your “secret,” the one you don’t want to talk about.
Maybe you fear judgment, maybe you fear being misunderstood. That’s okay. But you will see for yourself that when you confide and realize that, in reality, no judgment or misunderstanding occurred... you will feel an overwhelming relief. You will thank yourself. And you will see how much it helped you.
You aren’t broken, and you aren’t “bad” for what you do or have done. You know who you are, and that is what matters most. You are a human being. A person trying to survive in this world, and no one has the right to judge you. They don’t know you.
Don’t be afraid to speak the truth as you feel it. Whether it’s to a friend, a therapist, or anyone. A weight will be lifted from your heart because you’ll realize that you are okay, that they aren’t judging you, and that what you do and what you’ve been through is human.
Confiding is not a weakness.
It is the moment you admit you don’t want to carry it alone anymore.
And sometimes, that is enough for things to start changing.
Amelia Dawn