The Silent Return: When Financial Fear Drives You Back To What's Killing You
What it really feels like to go back for the money when a part of you knows you shouldn’t.
I know it. I know what it’s like when you said, “I’m done. I’m never going back. I’m never doing this again.” And then you didn't...
It’s an unpleasant feeling inside you. You failed. A massive dose of shame - one you might not even be fully aware of because you don’t know how to name the emotion.
There can be many reasons why you couldn’t hold out or why you returned, but today we’re going to talk about what it’s like when you go back for the money, even though you’re dying inside.
Yes, some might say you’re lazy and don’t want to work in a “normal” job. That you’re incompetent or spoiled. And you’re probably telling yourself the same things.
Am I really this incompetent? Yeah, girl, you got used to the easy life, so of course you can’t live normally now. It finally caught up with you. There you go again, you blew it and now you’re back in the cycle.
Escorting isn’t just about the money; it’s also about the adrenaline. It’s an addiction. It works exactly like any other addiction. It’s fast money. Yes, it is.
But people don’t see the cost of it all, everything that surrounds it. That it’s not just a few hours or days with a client.
Sometimes we go back simply because we don’t know anything else. That’s how our brain works. It’s not a fairy tale; it’s a fact. The brain does, what it knows. It returns to what is familiar.
To change a pattern, to change behavior, it requires a massive amount of discipline and work with the mind and the subconscious, so that you don’t keep returning to the same behaviors and decisions.
It’s like trying to change the course of a river that has flowed through the same channel for years. You can’t just change it, not even through sheer willpower. It takes time. It requires not just will, endurance, and discipline, but a firm decision, self-reflection, a plan, and a new identity - one where your self-worth and self-respect come first.
The level of self-reflection is vital because you either have it or you don’t. You either feel remorse for failing again and breaking the promise you made to yourself, or you lack that reflection and you just don’t care. “So I went back, so what? It’s better than working for breadcrumbs, at least I have good money here” (even when you know you’re lying to yourself).
It’s easier to lie to yourself, but somewhere deep down you still feel the truth. Or you feel it intensely, and it feels like you’ve killed a part of yourself and buried it deep. So you won’t feel it.
You can not feel, because if you did, you wouldn’t endure. You would have to think about what to do next, how to figure it out, what will happen to you, where will you get money... and that can lead to a breakdown. To temporary depression or, in milder cases, extreme stress.
I always write to you that you have a choice. Yes, you do, but not without clear consideration and the steps I’ve already mentioned. Without a clear plan, you will never leave. That’s just how it is.
We still live in a 3D world, and you can’t survive here without money. Bills aren’t paid with thin air. When you are in survival mode, sometimes literally it is logical and natural to go where you know you can make money fast, and that isn’t a poorly paid 9-to-5 job.
You didn’t fail. You just took a detour from the path you were already on. The path you were already walking. That detour looked tempting because you had walked it before. Your head decided faster than your body and soul.
It’s part of your journey. You went back. You aren’t proud of it. You know that for now, things are “fine” again. You don’t have to worry about money. Fine. But inside, you truly don’t feel good. Remorse is gripping you. You’re angry at yourself. You’re ashamed. Maybe a lot, maybe a little, but you are ashamed.
The fact that you went back doesn’t matter; the fact that it’s eating you alive does. And you can’t change that. That is your soul speaking.
Now you feel even more like you can’t tell anyone. Not a therapist, not even me. Because you feel embarrassed.
But I went back too. And not just once.
I’m not saying it’s okay or that you shouldn’t deal with it and just sweep it under the rug. No. But it’s good that you know. That you know what happened, what is happening inside you, and that you definitely aren’t going back forever.
Everything you see as a failure, even if you’ve returned more than once (just like I did)- is part of the path. You just need to see that path and plan it correctly and honestly, so that no detour leads you back to the places you’ve already been.
All your feelings are valid. Whether it’s shame, sadness, anger, or helplessness. It is a compass telling you where to go and where not to go.
Maybe you went back for a specific goal; maybe you are currently without a goal. Either way, I am here for you. I know what it’s like. It’s not wrong, and it’s not right. It just is.
It’s not forever. Otherwise, you wouldn’t even be reading this article. I am here with you.
No, you won’t be doing escort work for the rest of your life, don’t worry. No, you are not useless. You are capable of other things; maybe you just don’t see them yet or don’t know about them.
We all need money, and you went back because of it. But now you know that when you have a plan, work on your self-worth and self-respect, and discover your other gifts, everything will slowly start to fall into place. You will become THAT WOMAN who overcame the dark times and built a new life exactly as she wanted. According to the version she truly is, not the part she believed defined her.
Amelia Dawn